Trash Can Turkey

Next Thanksgiving cook your turkey in a trash can. Its 11.3 times more interesting and it cooks twice as fast, although the prep time may be a little bit more. This is my third time to do it, and every time has yielded great results. The bird is so tender and moist it just falls off the bone. With a turkey cooked this way you never have to worry about choking to death trying to swallow that dry bird your mom always cooks in the oven. I feel it is my civil duty to disseminate this great secret so here is how you do it.

Preparation time: 0.5-1.0 hours
Total cook time for 13 lb turkey: 1.5 hours

Supplies:

• 1 metal trash can with lid (about the size of your two year old daugther or a little bigger than the turkey you plan to cook)
• 1 shovel
• 1 wooden stake
• 1 roll of heavy aluminum foil
• 18 lb bag of charcoal
• 1 bottle of lighter fluid
• 1 turkey (any size as long as it fits in the trash can)
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 Awesome wife who agrees to eat turkey out of a rusted trash can

• 1 two year old daughter to "help out"

First things first, make sure your trash can is "clean". I am sure that "clean" as I interpret the word is much different than how my wife interprets it. What I mean is make sure you have flipped it over, and beat the sides of the can a couple of time with your hand so that all of the dust from last years turkey cooking and any dead bugs (or live ones) are no longer inhabiting the can. It is also a pretty good idea to remove any spider webs.

Now find a site to roast your duck. I prefer sites with dry grass around so that the fire spreads where it should not. This provides a little extra fun and keeps you on your toes. Might be a good idea to have a hose nearby.

Pound or push a wooden stake/tree branch into the ground that you will use to support the turkey. The stake needs to be a height such that the turkey can rest upon the stake without touching the top of the can when placed upside down over the turkey and the turkey's legs will not be touching the ground. After all, you do not want the turkey to run away.

Now that you have a stake in the ground, cover the surrounding area with foil. I like to fold the edges of connecting pieces together but it does not really matter. If you are a little bit of a germ-a-phobe you may also want to cover the wooden stake in foil also. However, if you are a germ-a-phobe you will probably not be eating turkey out of a rusty old trash can so stop reading this article now and go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia
The article informs us that germaphobia should not be confused with Germanophobia.

Place the can over the stake and do your best to center it. When you have it where you want it, push down on the can to mark a ring in the foil. Make sure that there is extra foil around the sides.

Fill the lid of the trash can with the charcoal from the 18 lb bag of charcoal. Heap it up in a mound on the lid faster than your two year old daughter who should have been in bed hours ago can throw it back off. You can not win this struggle, so wait for her to burn herself on the lantern instead, at which point you can take her inside to your awesome wife. It is true that she should have been in bed hours ago but she took a late nap and was no longer tired. She also has a dad that is wrapped around her finger; besides, it was Thanksgivings and I was very grateful to have one of my little angels' companionship.

Drench the charcoal in lighter fluid, but save a little to play with. While you let the charcoal soak, get inside and prep the goose. The parrot should should have been left in the fridge a few days before cook time so that it is no longer an ice block. It should still be plenty cold and have ice crystals in the cavity. Empty the cavity and neck of all the sacks of junk they stuff in their so that you have to pay more.

Now thoroughly salt and pepper the bird inside and out. Be generous.

Mount your parrot on the wooden stake you drove into the ground and make sure the can fits over the turkey correctly. I have always heard of people putting beer can under their roasting chickens and thougth I out to try it. I have never purchased alcohol, nor have I ever drunk any and so I went with Ginger Ale. I thought it might add a little extra moisture. This was my first time to try this and I did not notice a difference in the end.

Light the charcoal and wait for it to turn grey. This usually takes about 0.5 hours. During this wait time, play with the little bit of lighter fluid you saved by spraying it on the charcoal and making big flames. It helps to pass the time. Stomp out the grass that catches fire also. Take pictures.

When the charcoal is ready, shovel a layer 1.5 charcoal briscuits thick onto the top of the trash can that is upside down over your turkey. Shovel the rest around the base and afterwards fold the foil up around the charcoal to keep the heat directed toward the can. You have effectively created a giant dutch over. During this process, charcoal biscuits will start forest fires as they fall onto your dry grass. Stomp these out unless your are attempting to "accidentally" burn your house down.

Now wait a while. The amount of the weight depends upon the size of the bird. I cooked a 13 lb parrot this year and it only took about 1.5 hours.

You now have the most delicious turkey you will ever eat in your life. Sometimes the bird is so tender that parts of it will fall right off the wooden stake onto the foil below (hence the need for the foil). My peacock was not quite that soft this time, but the meat did just slide right off the legs while carving it.

All that is left is to enjoy your turkey, enjoy the dressing your awesome wife made, enjoy the company of your precious little daughters, enjoy the holiday season, enjoy life, and thank God for it all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Jude